It's official

Let's face it, it was only a matter of time before I began banging on about how there is always so much to do in retirement and wondering how I ever found the time for real work. But it's true.

My motto is never put off until tomorrow, what you can do the day after that. In this way small tasks such as washing the dog are postponed until absolutely necessary. Thus, over the space of a year, reducing the number of times they are carried out and freeing up time for more important things like playing Tiger Woods' PGA Tour on the Nintendo Wii.

The larger tasks - usually those that involve painting, a tool of any kind or a visit to the tip - await the arrival of a mythical spare day. This is usually one of those meaningless days that occur between Christmas and New Year.

At present I am in a two week gap between jaunts. That's a whole 14 mythical spare days, one after the other. And yet, as I near the end of the first week I haven't managed to tick off one of the many tasks I had optimistically foreseen me tackling this week. Mainly this is because the nature of time has changed. Or, more correctly, my attitude towards it has changed.

For example. Yesterday I had an appointment with my optician in order to agree whether or not I was going to switch to a new type of contact lens that I've been test driving for a month. My optician likes to talk a lot and normally I use the 'my car is on a meter' excuse to escape and get back to work before my lunch hour expires. But now there are no such pressures so I sat back and listened for a change. I also prefaced my appointment with a visit to the Hull City shop to buy this season's shirt (horrible, but I still bought it because I don't want to commit social suicide by being caught on Match of the Day in last season's) and an M&S lunch on a park bench. And after the consultation I ventured to the nearby tattoo studio for tattoo number 2 (a very tasteful pair of cat paw prints that symbolise freedom and my love of wild animals, or at least they will be when they stop oozing blood).

Before I knew it I was on the sofa enjoying a cup of tea and piece of Grasmere gingerbread and the entire afternoon had gone.

This is not how I thought retirement would be. For a start I foresaw a summer filled with endless book reading. Not so. I am still reading a book I began in Italy - The Time Traveller's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger (excellent and I notice it is released as a movie on August 14th). Not only is my pile of books to be read not diminishing, it is growing and threatens to topple over and engulf the dog.

My final year on the creative writing course at university begins at the end of September and I have persuaded the lofty academics to allow me to study travel writing and to submit a 10,000 word extract from a book about a year in the life of a middle aged gapper - sound familiar? I love to read travel books and in my opinion it is a market that is not yet saturated. And when it comes to middle aged men, books about the angst and growing pains of teenage/young/middle age/any age women exist in their thousands, whilst there are surprisingly few books about their male counterparts. By this time next year I'll be a millionaire.

To help my studies I have ordered some travel books I have not yet read, spread across a range of genres from serious to humourous. These include: The Ghost Train to the Eastern Star by Paul Theroux, Round Ireland with a Fridge by Tony Hawkes (how can I have gone so long without reading this?), Three Ways to Capsize a Boat by Chris Stewart and Adventures on the High Teas by Stuart Maconie.

So many things to do, so little time.

On the subject of my personal travelogue I have realised that whilst lugging Wainwright up mountains and across borders is quirky it is not going to be enough. What the reader needs is some tension. Will he, won't he? To this end I need some challenges to fulfil. A fairly straightforward one is to visit 10 countries I have never been to before. But you may have more fiendish ones in mind. If so, then please feel free to use the comment box below to suggest them to me. Challenges that involve East Africa, Vietnam or New Zealand are particularly welcome. Anything that may lead to my imprisonment or serious injury will only be considered if it will sell more copies.

Another challenge might be to appear as a film or TV Extra. My interview is on Friday afternoon in Leeds. This is a bit unfortunate as it coincides with Hull City in the final of the Asia Cup in Beijing. Although, judging by today's game against the home team I won't be missing much.

It is nearly 4 weeks since I left work and until now I have been on holiday. Today is my last day of leave and as of tomorrow I officially become a pensioner. I promise to celebrate by painting something or going to the tip.

Live long and prosper.