Taking the waters

Part One

The town I am staying in, Montecatini, is a spa town. No fewer than 9 spas come to the surface here. The place to find them is a large park that is about 5 minutes from my hotel.

I sauntered along there this morning and having meandered aimlessly through the park I came to an interesting building that I would describe as mock renaissance - all columns and ornate plasterwork set above a cool marble floor.

On trying to gain entry I discovered there was an entrance fee, but this also allowed me to take the waters. Intrigued I paid my 13 Euro and asked the very attractive lady at the entrance what I did next. I was to take a glass and then along one wall there were the spa waters flowing endlessly into numerous sinks.

What followed was interesting to say the least. The very large auditorium was open to the sky but there was shade around the sides where there were numerous tables to sit at and relax. People sat with their half pint mugs of water reading the Sunday papers or listening to the music. On a raised stage were a piano player and guitarist in suits and ties, playing along to yet another very attractive lady who was dressed in an off one shoulder chiffon dress whilst singing in a very accomplished and soothing manner. All in all it seemed like a brilliant way to while away a Sunday morning. I took out my holiday reading (Dan Brown, Deception Point), found a shaded table and made myself at home. All I needed now was a refreshing glass of water and I was set.

I took my glass to the spas and began my sampling. I can only describe it thus: imagine someone taking a hosepipe and trailing it from the local swimming pool to the above mentioned area of tranquillity. The water already has an unnatural, chemical taste. On its journey between pool and sink various things are added to the water. These appear to consist mainly of rotten eggs and salt. Now take a sip. Sorry, I forgot to mention, the water is also bloody hot!

As I said people were actually drinking this stuff from half pint glasses! The waters are reputed to bring long life. I drank to enough to barely add another 3 minutes to mine. It was horrible.

On further inspection I realised that the spas had different labels: Leopoldina; Regina; and Tettvccio. Presumably from different sources. The pipes the waters flowed from were also marked red and blue - hot and not so hot.

I looked for a spa marked 'Tetleys', but no such luck. So, in the interests of good reporting I started at the left and worked my way along the spas. I discovered that the above words stand for: Ghastly; disgusting; and tolerable in tiny amounts. I took a small amount of the latter and returned to Dan Brown.

What followed was a very pleasant, yet slightly surreal, hour being serenaded by a blonde beauty whilst sipping a mild fart dissolved in warm salt water.

Part Two

In the early afternoon I again took the waters. Only this time they were not so warm and fell in huge bucketfuls from the sky. A massive thunderstorm erupted and with it came a deluge I have not witnessed since the floods of 2007.

Despite the change in the weather I was very smug as when the first heavy drops fell I was secure under the canvas awning of a pleasant bistro, sipping the house Chianti and nibbling at Queen olives. I raised my glass to my lips and sat back to enjoy the show.

But the show went on too long. Suddenly the awning lost its protective powers and I retreated further and further inside to get away from the all pervading rain that had now caused a small river to run down the pavement just yards from my feet.

There was nothing I could do but to order another drink and get back to Dan Brown.

After an hour of heavy rain I set myself a deadline and reconciled myself to getting wet. But as he deadline approached so did some blue sky and 5 minutes later I was able to return to my hotel dry on the outside and awash with Chianti on the inside.

An early night now beckons in preparation for an early morning run around the spa park. One thing's for sure, no matter how thirsty I get I won't be stopping to take the water.

Live long and prosper.