As the Yiddish proverb says: Men make plans and God laughs.

By law police officers cannot join a union and have no right to strike. Most cops do belong to a body that will represent them at a national and local level. For those up to the rank of Chief Inspector this is the Police Federation. I have never been a great fan of the Federation, mainly because I have always seen it as being ineffective and its elected representatives always appear to be keener on pies, pints and petty politics than they are on supporting their members. But a year before I was due to retire the Federation announced an agreement with the government that would have a huge effect upon my pension package.

When they retire most cops take a pension that allows them an annual income that is half of their final salary and a lump sum of money. What the Federation did was to agree a new formula for the lump sum. When information about this new formula appeared casually in my email inbox I had to read it several times to grasp what it was telling me. Then I grabbed my calculator and worked out how the changes would affect me. My lump sum would be increased by over £35,000! God bless the Federation. The pies are on me.

Naturally, I went over my sums numerous times to find the catch but there wasn’t one. I was to be given the equivalent of a small lottery win without even asking for it. Sod taking a three month break when I left work, I now had the finances to take a whole year off and travel more extensively than I had hoped. More than that, my unearned windfall put off the day of reckoning. The day when I would find out just how difficult it is to earn money outside of the police.

For those outside the police service wanting to get in the system is hugely unfair. For those inside and wanting to stay inside it is very rewarding. ‘Civilianisation’ is an ugly word for senior police officers and their political masters. It smacks of policing on the cheap and ‘jobs for the boys (and girls)’. Nonetheless all police forces face strong financial constraints that require them to find ways to save money and be more efficient. As I neared the end of my service the new answer to every chief constable’s prayer was ‘Business and Workforce Modernisation’. This is a process of examining police functions to determine which of them actually require the use of police powers and which can be done by people who do not carry a warrant card.

For example, only police officers have the power to arrest a person but no such powers are required to investigate crimes, interview suspects or take witness statements. Good news for Dennis Waterman and James Bolam as it provided the perfect vehicle to revive their careers by playing parts as ex-cops coming out of retirement in New Tricks.

It was also good news for me. I had never been much of a cop and by the end of my service I was no kind of cop at all. My job title was ‘Business Change Manager’, which meant a lot of those tedious meetings I mentioned earlier but also allowed me to get home in time for The Weakest Link and to see Hull City play on a Saturday afternoon. My stab vest was in pristine condition and my canister of CS, well past its Spray by date, was untouched.

Requiring not even the merest hint of a police power, my job was ripe for ‘modernisation’. I could leave as a police officer one day and come back to the same job as a civilian the next. Not only would I still get my pension but I would receive a decent salary as well. By my calculations I reckoned I would be earning about £12,000 a year more than I already was, with no mortgage to pay. That’s quite an incentive.

There was just one problem. I didn’t have the slightest desire to be the Business Change Manager for a day longer than I had to.

A good many of my friends and colleagues had left the police by the revolving door and were now very comfortable financially having swapped their uniform for a suit and tie. Whilst that was their choice and I could see the logic, to me they were avoiding the test of finding out who they really were. Choosing financial security over a chance to take on a new challenge. Other colleagues simply refused to leave and clung on to their police posts and often the status it afforded them.

As my career dwindled like sand in an hour glass I was very vociferous about my ability to leave behind the job security comfort blanket and step out into the brave new world beyond policing. But as I reached my last six months before becoming eligible to retire I began to regret the boldness and bravado of my words. People would slap me on the back and say:

‘Can’t be long until you retire, Bry? Gosh, you’re a brave man to take off into the wild blue yonder like that. Good luck to you.’

I just smiled and thought: ‘Oh shit.’

Maybe there was a lot to be said for a nice income and a comfortable life. It certainly beats taking photos from a very long ladder. Sorry, Keith from Scunthorpe.

Next time - Joined by Wainwright